Your child might have been comfortable talking openly when they were younger, but as a teen, they seem to hold back when it comes to talking about their feelings. While this can feel concerning for parents, teen emotional privacy is often misunderstood. How much a teen keeps private can differ a lot from one teen to the next, and even from one week to the next.
An adolescent who doesn’t share everything isn’t necessarily having a hard time or hiding something. More often, they’re doing what teenage development requires and building their own independent sense of self.[1]
Knowing why teenagers pull back, and what healthy privacy looks like, can help parents stay connected without making the distance wider. To help, this article will explore:
Adolescence is often defined, psychologically, by the important work of becoming a separate and unique person.[1] A teenager is actively working to construct their identity, which means developing a sense of:
This process requires more space than it did in childhood.
Adolescent emotional privacy is part of the process that creates that space. It often starts with small things, such as a closed bedroom door or a shorter answer to a question about their day. Keeping some thoughts, feelings, and experiences to themselves is often the beginning of an interior life.
Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, noted that identity formation is the central developmental task of the adolescent years. Differentiation, or establishing your own personhood apart from everyone else, is a vital part of that process.[2]
With teen emotional privacy, a teen can keep a feeling to themselves for a while, and then bring it up when they’re ready. Some degree of teens hiding feelings from their parents can actually be a sign that things are progressing normally, though it can also be a sign for parents to take a closer look.[3]
The timing of this change sometimes catches parents off guard. A child who used to be so open and communicative can seem like a totally different person in adolescence, even though the development is completely normal and healthy.
But that doesn’t mean the parent-child relationship isn’t still important. Research has consistently shown that parents remain one of the biggest influences in a teenager’s life, even as teens spend more time with friends.[4]
Knowing more about why your teenager shares less can help parents avoid responses that push them further away. The reasons can vary from one teen to the next, but there are a few common patterns.
One of the most common reasons that teens stop talking to parents is that they expect an undesirable response. A young person expecting to be interrogated might decide it’s easier to keep things to themself.
Parents who react to difficult disclosures with alarm, judgement (even well-intentioned), or jump straight into problem-solving mode might also be inadvertently training their child to filter what they share.
Teenage emotional independence is partly expressed through the selective withholding of personal information. Deciding what to share, when, and with whom can all be exercises in growing personal autonomy.
A teen who keeps some things private is often engaging in self-determination, even when that can be uncomfortable for parents. Teen personal boundaries around their emotional lives can be thought of similarly to physical privacy, as they mark what belongs to them alone. Research suggests that parents tend to trust teens more when teens choose to share things with them.[5]
By the mid-adolescent years, a teenager’s peers become their primary audience for emotional processing. Relational difficulties, social conflicts, and more are far more likely to be discussed between friends than with parents.[6]
This isn’t because the parents are necessarily trusted less, but rather because peer relationships feel more relevant to the teenage social world. This change can be both normal and healthy for growing teens as they navigate their new responsibilities and capabilities.
Teen emotional privacy and emotional isolation can be difficult to discern at first glance. Both involve a teen who isn’t sharing much. The difference usually appears in the broader pattern of how they’re functioning.
Healthy privacy often looks like selective sharing. A teenager who keeps some things to themselves but remains engaged with school and their interests can still be healthy, even when they’re not very talkative.
Withdrawal typically looks different. It tends to be pervasive, impacting multiple areas of their life at the same time. Pulling back from friends as well as family, losing interest in things they used to care about, and major sleep changes can all be signs that something else might be going on.
Some other potential signals to watch out for can include:
If your teen talks about wanting to die or hurt themselves, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, right away.
Respecting teen privacy is, in part, about trusting the developmental process when the signs point to a normal adolescent differentiation. Parents who keep an eye out for the differences between this process and potential signs of distress are likely better able to respond appropriately to both situations.[7]
Mission Prep is here to help you or your loved one take the next steps towards an improved mental well-being.
Parents who make themselves consistently available for their teens, without making it pressured, will likely hear the most from their child.
Parent-teen emotional boundaries that work are all about creating the conditions where connection can happen on their terms, so teens feel comfortable connecting.
When you let your teenager know you’re available when they need you, and that you won’t automatically react badly to a difficult disclosure, they’re more likely to come to you about something that matters to them.[8]
Low-key, side-by-side time can help generate more talking than direct, face-to-face check-ins. That could mean:
How you respond to the small disclosures your child makes can determine if bigger ones follow. A teenager who mentions something minor to you and receives interest and curiosity in return can learn that it feels safe to talk.
When small bits of sharing are met with lectures or questions they weren’t ready for, it can make future disclosures more difficult.
Teen emotional autonomy develops in part through having a private, internal life parents aren’t necessarily privy to. It’s important to try and get comfortable with not having access to it all the time.
Consistently communicating, both in actions and in words, that you trust your teenager to manage themselves can go a long way toward increasing the trust between you.
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Developing teen emotional privacy is healthy. A teenager who keeps some things to themselves and processes things on their own is doing something beneficial for their development. Parents who can respect that are often better able to help their children grow.
But if your teenager’s withdrawal has become concerning, or their functioning has declined, it could be a sign of a mental health condition. Depression, anxiety, trauma, and other conditions can produce silence that is a sign that professional help may be needed.
At Mission Prep Teen Treatment, we work with teenagers whose communication difficulties could be rooted in something deeper. Our experienced, empathic team uses evidence-based therapeutic approaches and innovative interventions to teach your child new coping strategies for their experiences and help your family learn new ways of engaging with one another.
We offer personalized treatment programs that range from residential treatment to virtual outpatient programs. Mission Prep Teen Treatment accepts insurance and is in-network with many major providers. We are happy to help you check your insurance coverage for mental health care.
Learn about our locations online or call 866-901-4047 to speak with a caring member of our team who can answer any questions you might have. Reach out for a free, no-obligation conversation.
Direct pressure can lead to less openness. A teen who feels like they’re being interrogated or forced to share often gives short answers, or none at all. Do your best instead to stay present with them and respond to whatever they do choose to share. Make it clear that you’re available, no conditions attached.
It’s natural and normal for your teen’s friends to become their primary go-to for sharing things about themselves. It’s important to be there for them so they can turn to you if and when something serious comes up. Being warm, open, and non-pressured in your approach likely does more than you know.
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