There is no single way a teen is supposed to respond to the expected loss of a loved one. However, understanding anticipatory grief can help parents recognize what their teen may be experiencing and provide meaningful support during an uncertain and emotionally difficult time. To support you in this process, this page explores:
Anticipatory grief, also known as “anticipatory bereavement,” describes grief that starts before a loss happens.
For a teenager, this might happen after they learn someone they love has a terminal illness. For instance, research involving adolescents with a parent who had cancer found that fear of loss, concern for the parent, communication, and changes in family priorities were central parts of the anticipatory grief experience.[1].” publication=”Praxis der Kinderpsychologie und Kinderpsychiatrie,” part=”61(6), 414–431″ url=”https://doi.org/10.13109/prkk.2012.61.6.414″]
This means that in anticipatory grief, a teenager may begin grieving a death that has not yet happened, but also feel sadness about the changes that this illness is already causing.
Adolescent grief may not always look like obvious and visible sadness. In fact, possible signs of adolescent anticipatory grief may include:
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that young people may express grief differently from adults and that their emotional reactions can appear intermittently rather than continuously.[2] This may look like a teen spending one afternoon laughing with friends and then becoming overwhelmed that evening. This is because grief can co-exist with ordinary adolescent life.
Additionally, grief before death in teens may include symptoms like anger and guilt.
Your teen may be angry at the illness, the doctors, themselves, or the world in general. And this anger may reflect:
Allowing anger to be named can make it less likely that a teenager feels ashamed for not having a “traditional grief” reaction.
Expected loss for a teenager can also create a divide between family life and ordinary teen experiences. Friends may be thinking about sports and weekend plans. But at the same time, your teen may be thinking about hospice or whether their parent will be alive next year. Having fun can start to feel wrong.
Teens may benefit from reminders that spending time with friends and laughing does not mean that they care less. In fact, maintaining parts of ordinary life can provide a sense of stability while the family is living in a period of uncertainty.
The teenage years consist of many changes, from shifts in identity and independence to forming deeper peer relationships and thinking about the future. An expected death can interrupt that process.
A teen experiencing anticipatory bereavement may become more aware of mortality in a way that many of their peers have not yet experienced. This may feel isolating and weave in another layer of grief or confusion.
A teenager may also want more independence while simultaneously feeling terrified of losing a parent. So they may want to spend time with friends but feel guilty for having fun while their loved one is sick. These conflicting needs may feel highly confusing.
While the expected loss of anyone important to them can seriously impact a teen, a teen coping with a terminally ill parent may experience many losses at once. Their parent may be physically present while also being less emotionally or physically available due to symptoms or treatment.
A teen may begin taking on new household responsibilities like helping younger siblings or completing additional household chores. And while some responsibility can give a sense of purpose, too much can leave a young person feeling as though they have suddenly become an adult.
Research on children’s experience of parental life-limiting illness found that the period before a parent’s death can also be emotionally demanding for young people. Teens might want information and involvement but may feel excluded when adults try to protect them from the reality of the situation.[3]
Parents usually want to protect children from painful information, and in many cases, that instinct is understandable.
However, teens usually notice when something serious is happening. They may overhear private conversations, observe physical decline, or notice changes in routines. And silence may allow the teen’s imagination to begin to fill in the missing information.
But research involving young people living with a dying parent actually suggests that young people value chances to be involved and connect, rather than being shielded from the illness in its entirety.[3]
Therefore, it may be helpful to fill them in by using clear, age-appropriate language. You can explain what is known while also acknowledging uncertainty. And your teen can be given time to spend with their loved one, ask questions, and offer and receive support.
Plus, preparing a teen for a loved one’s death does not eliminate all hope. Instead, it may mean changing the meaning of hope.
At first, a family may hope for a cure or a miracle. But later they may begin to hope for:
Preparing for death gives the teen enough honest information to participate in what is happening.
Mission Prep is here to help you or your loved one take the next steps towards an improved mental well-being.
There is no right, wrong, or perfect way of coping before a loved one dies. Teens in different scenarios may need different things. The following tips may help you support a teen during this time.
A teen may hesitate to share their own feelings with a parent who is also grieving. A therapist or other trusted adult can provide another place for the teen to openly discuss how they are feeling with their pre-loss grief.
Some teens process grief through creative experiences such as:
The activity can help them find an outlet for otherwise difficult-to-express emotions.
If a teen wants to, they could set aside time to create special memories with their loved one. If you are not the ill loved one, you can still spend intentional time with them doing something that they enjoy and helps them relax.
Friends may not fully understand the situation, but they can provide a sense of normalcy, routine, and companionship. You could encourage the teen to:
Your teen is allowed to think about something other than their loved one’s illness. In fact, healthy coping makes room for grief while also allowing life to continue around it. Let them know that they are allowed to participate in typical teen activities without feeling guilty about it.
A teen might refuse to visit a loved one whose functioning or appearance has changed significantly. For instance, they might feel scared of the medical equipment and visible signs of illness.
It may be helpful to ask your teen what concerns them. They may need extra support, preparation, or an explanation of what they are likely to see. They might also benefit from having choices, such as choosing whether a shorter visit or writing a note would suit them more than visiting.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends allowing children to express and cope with grief in their own way, rather than forcing specific responses or rituals.2 This includes expectations for navigating visits before a death.
Anticipatory grief in teens does not necessarily require therapy. However, professional support may be helpful when emotional distress becomes severe, or grief becomes complicated.
Consider seeking help if your teen:
If there’s an immediate concern for safety, contact 911 or 988, or bring the teen to your local emergency department.
Mission Prep provides treatment for teens experiencing various mental health conditions. Mental Health support is a phone call away – call 866-901-4047 to learn about your treatment options.
See our residences in Southern California’s Los Angeles & San Diego areas.
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Anticipatory grief in teens can start months or even years before the loss of a loved one, and it doesn’t necessarily end when the loved one passes away. Afterward, the teen may find that some aspects of grief feel familiar while others feel completely different.
Parents can provide support by making room for grief even after the immediate crisis has passed. When the expected loss involves a parent, the compassionate professionals at Mission Prep Teen Treatment can help families understand what support may be needed after death. The right teen grief support may come from a therapist, support group, trusted adult, or a combination of different resources.
At Mission Prep Teen Treatment, we offer a variety of treatment programs and evidence-based therapy services for teens experiencing grief, anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions. Whether your teen could benefit from residential treatment at one of our locations or something more flexible, like an outpatient mental health program delivered virtually, our team can help.
Mission Prep Teen Treatment accepts insurance and is in-network with most major providers. We are happy to help you check your insurance coverage for mental health care.
Learn more about our admissions process online or call 866-901-4047 to speak with a caring member of our team who can answer any questions you might have. Reach out for a free, no-obligation conversation. We’re here to support your family during this difficult time.
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