Rupture and Repair: How to Mend Your Relationship With Your Teen After Parent-Teen Conflict

During adolescence, your child matures both physically and mentally. Throughout this stage of development, adolescents often want to exert their independence from parents, which can lead to an increase in parent-teen conflict. This is a natural part of the evolving parent-teen relationship dynamics, yet it can still create tension in the home.¹ 

“Rupture and repair” is a term coined by developmental psychologists to describe the cycle of conflict and resolution in core relationships. If ongoing arguments are continuously disrupting your bond with your child, a mental health professional can discuss how to repair conflict in ways that strengthen your relationship.

This post can also help, as it discusses the rupture and repair process as it relates to repairing relationships with teens. This includes covering common parent-teen conflicts and how to mend your relationship with your teen after a disruption.²

Understanding Parent-Teen Relationship Dynamics

When it comes to changes in the parent-child relationship during adolescence, it is important to look at the history of the relationship. Oftentimes, teens who had a secure relationship with parents during early childhood will experience temporary and minor increases in conflict during adolescence. On the other hand, if early childhood relationships were unstable, leading to a potential insecure attachment style, parent-teen relationship dynamics tend to show more extreme difficulties.^1,3

While there are normal fluctuations in parent-teen relationships, too many conflicts can increase the risk of harm to a teen’s psychosocial adjustment and well-being. For example, research has shown that excessive parent-teen conflicts are associated with child behavior problems, including oppositional defiant behaviors, conduct disorder behaviors, and high negative emotionality.³

However, understanding how ruptures are normal in parent-teen relationships can help us to see how a healthy approach to repair can forge strong, adaptive bonds.

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What Is Rupture and Repair in Relationships?

In a general sense, a rupture is a break or strain in a relationship. Specifically, when looking at parent-teen conflict, we can consider a rupture a break in the emotional connection. 

Ruptures are normal parts of interpersonal relationships, but this also makes understanding the art of repair crucial. When a parent and teen argue, they might experience raised voices, loss of patience, and feelings of being unseen or misunderstood. Therefore, rupture and repair refer to actively working to restore trust, understanding, and safety in the relationship.⁴

Research shows that the process of rupture and repair begins during infancy and early childhood, and ultimately, lays the foundation for secure attachment. But problems arise when parent-child relationships continue to experience ruptures without repair. 

As previously mentioned, rupture without repair can lead to insecure attachment. Attachment and teen behavior are related because insecure attachment is associated with mistrust, cognitive distortions, resentment, and emotional stunting for adolescents.^4,5 Plus, without effective healing processes, insecure attachment can extend into adulthood and continue affecting relationships of all types. 

But the good news is that healthy repair patterns can be implemented at any stage with your child – it’s never too late to improve the quality of your bond. Over time, this can help your teen learn that relationships are safe and that other people can be trusted.

How to Mend Your Relationship With Your Teen After Conflict

Knowing how to repair a relationship through adaptive family conflict resolution is the key to rebuilding trust with your teen. In the following tips, we will focus on a couple of skills involved in conflict resolution: communication, problem-solving, and negotiation^.6,7,8

Communication

Communication is one of the main skills to focus on when repairing relationships with teens. The basis of communication is the idea that people should express their ideas in an assertive – but unoffensive – manner. 

Studies have shown that some approaches to communicating are consistently maladaptive, such as being reactionary or nondisclosing. On the other hand, positive communication styles between a parent and a teen are characterized by acceptance, openness, and recognition of blame.⁶

Additionally, in another study that asked parents of teenagers how they improved communication and conflict resolution, many explained that nurturing the relationship was important. Some of the strategies they used to develop closer relationships with their teen included: 

• Spending more time together
• Physical closeness
• Sharing experiences honestly
• Including and accepting their child’s behavior and beliefs
• Providing experience, perspective, and priority-setting.⁶

If conflict is a regular part of your interactions with your child, each of these are strategies that you could aim to implement more in your relationship with them.

Problem-Solving and Negotiation

Another positive conflict resolution strategy for parents and teens is problem-solving. Positive problem-solving could be described as the ability to understand someone else’s opinion and being able to work toward a compromise. In order to reach a compromise, positive problem-solving relies on reasoning. And to be able to reason, you may need to focus on empathy for and reconciliation with teens.⁷ 

For example, if you and your teen are arguing about how much time they spend playing video games, a positive problem-solving strategy might include understanding why they like to play these games. For instance, maybe they use them as a way to relax after a stressful week of school. Once you understand this, a compromise might involve permission to play video games when all of their homework is complete. 

Studies have found that when utilizing positive problem-solving skills and compromising or negotiating, such as in the example above, conflicts typically do not become aggressive, and emotions become more stable.^7,8

A further benefit of compromising and negotiating is how a teen may build confidence in the parent-teen relationship as a result. Plus, this relationship is often bidirectional, meaning that teens who feel confident talking to their parents are more likely to use similar negotiation strategies in return to resolve conflicts. In contrast, teens who feel insecure may continue to rely on maladaptive ways of resolving conflict. Put simply, high-quality communication between parents and teens may lead to a mutual ability to problem-solve and resolve conflicts that satisfies everyone involved.⁸

5 Steps to Repair Trust With Adolescents

Trust is paramount to interpersonal relationships, especially between parents and teens. Trust can be defined as a person’s belief in, and willingness to act on the basis of, the words, actions, and decisions of another. On the other hand, distrust can be defined as confidently having negative expectations of another. 

When parent-teen conflicts continuously arise, sometimes levels of trust decrease. In fact, some teens or parents may even develop feelings of distrust. However, the repair process can ensure that trust remains stable, even after conflict. 

To rebuild trust after conflicts with teens, parents and adolescents both need to commit to taking appropriate steps. Below, we will discuss five steps to repair trust with adolescents.⁹

1. Define Expectations

First, defining expectations in a relationship is crucial to establishing trust. For example, if a teen is unsure of what their parent expects from them in terms of communication or behavior, conflicts are more likely to occur, and teens may be left feeling misunderstood. Explicitly stating expectations about behavior, including when things need to occur and how often they should occur, can improve trust between parents and teens.^9,10

2. Find Ways to Monitor Progress

If you notice that you and your child have been engaging in arguments related to the same topic without making progress, it may be time to define what progress means and monitor behaviors over time. For instance, if you are encouraging your teen to complete their household chores on time, monitoring this with a checklist or a calendar can increase accountability. It can also boost trust that things will improve going forward.^9,10

3. Offer Alternatives to Get Needs Met

When parents or teens do not feel like their needs are being met in a relationship, trust can decrease. Ensuring that your child’s needs are met is nonnegotiable, but needs can be met in different ways. For example, perhaps your child prefers to be driven to school by Dad every day to arrive to class on time, but Dad cannot commit to that. An alternative would be that Mom can step in on days when Dad is unavailable. Your child’s needs are met, even if it isn’t the way they always prefer.⁹

4. Increase Awareness

Knowing how you are perceived by your child can allow you to look at things from their perspective – helping build trust. If you can see yourself as your child sees you, this can enable you to identify areas for repairing emotional disconnect and develop adaptive strategies for calming conflict in the future.⁹

5. Apologize When Appropriate

Many parents believe that apologizing to their children when they’re in the wrong gives forward a sign of weakness. However, it models accountability to a teen, demonstrating that making mistakes is a normal part of life. Apologizing also shows a teen how to repair conflict in their relationships outside of the parent-child bond, ensuring that they forge healthy dynamics. And finally, saying sorry when you’re in the wrong helps build trust, as your teen can let go of their anxiety about the situation and feel safe again.¹¹ 

Mission Prep: Professional Advice and Support for Parent-Teen Conflict

Conflict in the parent-teen dynamic is not an indicator that you’re failing in a relationship. In fact, conflict is often an opportunity to express needs, frustrations, and concerns. But what matters most is often what happens after the conflict – the emotional repair.

However, not every parent feels skilled in understanding how to repair after conflict – often due to their own previous experiences and relationships. This is where Mission Prep can help. Our team members are experts in family dynamics and family conflict resolution, helping many families with repairing relationships with teens. 

If you’re unsure where to turn or you’re concerned about the effects of conflict or a mental health condition on your child’s well-being, reach out to our team today. We’re here to support you and your family on the path to healthy communication, stronger bonds, and greater well-being.

References

1. Branje, S. (2018). Development of parent–adolescent relationships: Conflict interactions as a mechanism of change. Child development perspectives, 12(3), 171-176. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12278 
2. Safran, J. D., & Muran, J. C. (1996). The resolution of ruptures in the therapeutic alliance. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology, 64(3), 447. https://www.doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.64.3.447 
3. Laursen, B., Coy, K. C., & Collins, W. A. (2017). Reconsidering changes in parent-child conflict across adolescence: A meta-analysis. In Interpersonal development (pp. 171-186). Routledge.
4. Richards, M. C., & Schreiber, J. (2024). Rupture and Repair. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 63(6), 652. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2024.03.004 
5. Moed, A., Gershoff, E. T., Eisenberg, N., Hofer, C., Losoya, S., Spinrad, T. L., & Liew, J. (2015). Parent–adolescent conflict as sequences of reciprocal negative emotion: Links with conflict resolution and adolescents’ behavior problems. Journal of youth and adolescence, 44(8), 1607-1622. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-014-0209-5 
6. Riesch, S. K., Jackson, N. M., & Chanchong, W. (2003). Communication approaches to parent-child conflict: Young adolescence to young adult. Journal of Pediatric Nursing, 18(4), 244-256. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0882-5963(03)00083-6 
7. Branje, S. J., Van Doorn, M., Van Der Valk, I., & Meeus, W. (2009). Parent–adolescent conflicts, conflict resolution types, and adolescent adjustment. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 30(2), 195-204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2008.12.004 
8. García-Ruiz, M., Rodrigo, M. J., Hernández-Cabrera, J. A., Máiquez, M. L., & Deković, M. (2013). Resolution of parent–child conflicts in adolescence. European journal of psychology of education, 28(2), 173-188. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10212-012-0108-7  
9. Lewicki, R. J., & Wiethoff, C. (2000). Trust, trust development, and trust repair. The handbook of conflict resolution: Theory and practice, 1(1), 86-107.
10. Lewicki, R. J., & Polin, B. (2013). Trust and negotiation. In Handbook of research on negotiation (pp. 161-190). Edward Elgar Publishing.
11. Ruckstaetter, J., Sells, J., Newmeyer, M. D., & Zink, D. (2017). Parental apologies, empathy, shame, guilt, and attachment: A path analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development, 95(4), 389-400. https://doi.org/10.1002/jcad.12154