How to Talk to Civilian Friends About Military Life and Mental Health
Author:
Emma Loker
B.S.
Editor:
Aja Chavez
AMFT, APCC
Many adults don’t know how to talk to civilian friends about military life – and that’s with years of practice. As a teen, this can feel even more complicated. You may think they won’t “get it,” or it may be too difficult to put into words. Perhaps you want to talk to them, but you just don’t know what to say.
If you’ve come into any of these issues, know that help is available to you. Whether it’s from your parents, wider family, or another support network, talking to your civilian friends about military life and mental health doesn’t always have to feel this hard.
At Mission Prep, we know how tough explaining mental health to friends can be, especially for military youth. This guide is meant to help you figure out what to say and get the support you deserve. Below, you’ll find information on:
- How military life affects teen mental health
- Why talking about military life matters for teen
- How to talk to civilian friends about military life and mental health
- Resources to help you with civilian friends
- Support at Mission Prep
How Does Military Life Affect Teen Mental Health?
Having a family member in the military can affect your life, and mental health, in many different ways. Some of these effects you may be aware of, and others may sneak up on you. Military youth – the term often used to describe teens who have parents in the military – are at heightened risk of experiencing emotional and psychological challenges, including:1
Mood disorders (like depression)- Anxiety disorders
- Adjustment disorders (often related to frequent moves and school transitions)
It’s also common to feel disconnected or isolated, especially during a family member’s deployment. Research shows that military teens often struggle to feel connected and attached to others. Military youth may also find it hard to concentrate or engage with the outside world, particularly if they’ve faced indirect or direct trauma.2
If you’re struggling with your mental health, know that you’re not alone and how you’re feeling is valid. And also know this: Help is available. Talking to someone you trust, whether it’s a friend, parent, school counselor, or therapist, can make a huge difference.
Why Talking About Military Life Matters for Teens
It’s not easy to open up as a teen at the best of times. And the truth is: Being part of a military family is especially hard, and that can make military teens less likely to speak up.
According to a recent report by the National Military Family Association, nearly 90% of military teens report low to moderate feelings of well-being, with many feeling unseen or unheard.3 Yet, almost 10% of military teens do not disclose their mental health concerns to their parents, and 8% report not getting the help they need.4
However, research shows that social support is tied to improved mental health.5 What’s more, opening up about difficult experiences, including stress, trauma, and your daily struggles, can significantly boost your psychological well-being.
One study found that people who discussed their personal challenges experienced lower stress and a better ability to regulate their emotions, even when the person they were conversing with didn’t offer direct solutions. Just the act of putting thoughts into words appeared to help them process and manage their feelings more effectively.6
Similarly, research shows that regularly talking about your feelings with people you trust strengthens the bonds between you, reduces loneliness, and increases your resilience.7
So, it’s important to find ways to open up so that you can begin to feel better, happier, and more satisfied with your life. But how can you, as a military teen, start talking to the people you love about what’s going on for you? More on this next.
How to Talk to Civilian Friends About Military Life and Mental Health
There may be 101 reasons why you don’t talk to your civilian friends about military life and your mental health. There tends to be a general lack of understanding about the military lifestyle, and you may want to use school as an escape from these difficult feelings, rather than to put them all out on the table.
But we now know the benefits of speaking about our difficult experiences. So, let’s explore some ways to make opening up easier.
1. Start the Conversation With Shared Experiences
If you ever want to find common ground with a peer, the best way to do so is by shared experiences. Shared experiences are a beautiful way to build social connections, which themselves are crucial for overall well-being and happiness.8
So, try easing into the conversation by finding common ground. Think about areas of overlap in your lives. That could be a subject you both love, a shared hobby you have, or family members that are causing you stress. Whatever it is, get onto the same page first – this will make it easier to share what’s going on for you.
2. Explain Military Life in Simple, Relatable Words
One of the best ways to help your friends understand what you’re going through is to get rid of unnecessary barriers. This includes military language that they may not understand, such as “PCS” or “TDY.”
Using simpler ways of explaining these terms, such as “relocation to a new station” or “short-term assignment” can reduce any confusion. This will make it easier for them to empathize with your situation and will reduce misunderstandings.
3. Normalize Mental Health By Talking Openly
Talking about your mental health shouldn’t be taboo or shameful – we all have mental health, and the more we talk about it, the easier it gets. According to research, one of the best ways to reduce mental health stigma is to talk to others about your mental health.
If you have a friend who also struggles with their mental health, they may be a good person to confide in. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with another person who has a mental illness can make opening up feel less scary.9
4. Set Boundaries While Staying Honest
While many people, especially those you love, will react with kindness and empathy to what you’re going through, not everyone will “get it.” Some young adults may have negative views on the military or on mental health in general.10 So, while sharing what’s going on for you is important, preparing yourself by putting boundaries in place is a good idea, too.
Some things might feel too personal to share, or perhaps you’re not ready to talk about certain challenges you’ve been struggling with. That’s completely normal. You can be honest and open while still deciding what to keep private – it doesn’t have to be black or white.
You can also redirect the conversation if the conversation goes off track by saying, for example, “I’d rather not talk about that right now. But I’m really struggling with…”
5. Be Ready for Questions
When you start sharing your experiences about military life, your friends might have lots of questions. This is normal, and it’s a good thing – it means they want to understand it better. But sometimes, their feelings can feel a little overwhelming, especially if they don’t really understand what military life is like, or you’re not prepared to share the details of what they’ve asked you.
It’s okay to take your time answering or to say, “I’m not sure how to explain that” or “I’m finding it hard to talk about that.” You don’t have to have all the answers, and you don’t owe anyone details you’re not comfortable sharing.
6. Practice Active Listening, Too
For your friends to really listen when you talk to them about what it’s like being in a military family, it’s a good idea to show them you’re willing to listen to them, too. Active listening means giving your full attention to someone else – verbally and non-verbally. This involves facing them when they’re speaking to you, putting away any distractions so you’re completely focused on them, and giving them the space to speak.
Actively listening to someone communicates that what they are saying is important and worth listening to. It also shows them that you care. When you actively listen to others, you’re more likely to get the same back. It creates trust and makes talking about tough stuff feel safer and easier for everyone.
Resources to Help You With Civilian Friendships
Friendships can feel difficult, especially when you’re struggling with your mental health. Fortunately, there are lots of resources and support available to help you manage these difficult conversations and experiences.
At Mission Prep, we offer tons of guidance to help teens just like you understand how to manage complex friendships and relationships. You can check out some of our resources here:
Dealing With Changing Schools and Academic Pressure as a Military Teen- Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships as a Military Teen
- Making New Friends After Every Move: Building Confidence in Military Kids
- Navigating Loneliness and Isolation in a Military Household
- What to Expect from Therapy as a Military Teen
- The Pressure to Be Strong: Toxic Resilience in Military Youth
If you ever feel like you need extra support, therapy can be a great option to help you process your experiences and feelings in a safe, supportive space. At Mission Prep, we offer many different forms of support, including therapy, to help you manage the difficulties of military life. So, no matter what type of support you’re looking for, we’re here for you.
Get Support At Mission Prep
Mission Prep is proud to offer comprehensive mental health treatment for teens in California, Virginia, and beyond. Our inpatient and outpatient mental health programs provide a full continuum of care for military teens with both severe and recovering mental health disorders.
With a compassionate team of professionals and evidence-based treatment approaches, we are dedicated to helping military teens and their families heal and thrive. Plus, we’re committed to providing individualized care for each of our patients. We recognize that every military teen has unique experiences, challenges, and needs.
That’s why our team works closely with each client to create a personalized treatment plan that addresses their specific mental health concerns. This may include therapy sessions, group counseling, telehealth appointments, and more. To explore our military teen mental health programs, call us today.
References
- Wooten, N. R., Brittingham, J. A., Sumi, N. S., Pitner, R. O., & Moore, K. D. (2019). Behavioral Health Service Use by Military Children During Afghanistan and Iraq Wars. The Journal of Behavioral Health Services & Research, 46(4), 549–569. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11414-018-09646-0
- Opie, J. E., Hameed, M., Vuong, A., Painter, F., Booth, A. T., Jiang, H., Dowling, R., Boh, J., McLean, N., & McIntosh, J. E. (2024). Children’s Social, Emotional, and Behavioral Outcomes in Military Families: A Rapid Review. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 33. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-024-02856-5
- Lewis, PhD, C., Bergmann, A., & Farnsworth, PhD, M. (2022). The Military Teen Experience Survey 2022 Findings and Insights The Current State of Military Teens, America’s Future Force. https://www.militaryfamily.org/wp-content/uploads/The-Military-Teen-Experience-Survey-2022-Findings-and-Insights.pdf
- 2023 Military Teen Experience Survey: Mental Health. (2023). In militaryfamily.org. National Military Family Association. https://www.militaryfamily.org/wp-content/uploads/2023-MTES-Mental-Health.pdf
- Acoba, E. F. (2024). Social support and mental health: The mediating role of perceived stress. Frontiers in Psychology, 15(15), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1330720
- Hall, J. A., Holmstrom, A. J., Pennington, N., Perrault, E. K., & Totzkay, D. (2023). Quality conversation can increase daily Well-Being. Communication Research, 009365022211393. https://doi.org/10.1177/00936502221139363
- Abrams, Z. (2023, November 1). Conversations are essential to our well-being. Psychologists are exploring the science of why they’re so powerful. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/11/conversations-key-to-wellbeing
- Jolly, E., Tamir, D. I., Burum, B., & Mitchell, J. P. (2019). Wanting without enjoying: The social value of sharing experiences. PLOS ONE, 14(4), e0215318. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0215318
- Singhal, N. (2024). Stigma, Prejudice and Discrimination against People with Mental Illness. American Psychiatric Association. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/stigma-and-discrimination
- Pew Research Center. (2024, February 1). From Businesses and Banks to Colleges and Churches: Americans’ Views of U.S. Institutions. Pew Research Center – U.S. Politics & Policy. https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2024/02/01/the-u-s-military/
