Benching in Teen Relationships: The Emotional Impacts of Inconsistency
We all know what substitution players are in sports: they’re the ones who provide solid backup but aren’t in the starting lineup every week. They spend most of their time “on the bench,” waiting to be called on when the first choice can’t play.
Now, imagine the same idea in teen dating, when someone keeps you waiting in the wings. It might sound harmless, but benching can take a huge toll on confidence and trust.
To help break down benching in teen dating and its impact, this article will cover:
- What benching is
- The types of behaviors that are similar to benching
- The signs of benching in a teen relationship
- Why teens bench in relationships
- How benching affects teens emotionally
- How to rebuild trust after experiencing benching
- Where to find help for teens after benching
What Is Benching?
In dating and relationships, benching is when someone keeps you as an option without ever fully committing. The aim is certainly not focused on building something real, but more about making sure you’re still there, just in case the first option doesn’t work out.
Benching often comes in small, inconsistent doses of interest. It could be a vague promise about catching up soon or perhaps long periods in between dates, but none of these actions is genuine progress.
While benching is a relatively new term born from modern dating culture, the behavior itself has been around for a long time. People have always found ways to keep their options fully open, but doing so can have a knock-on effect on well-being.
In the next section, we’ll look at another behavior that can feel a lot like benching and often overlaps with it.
What Type of Behaviors Are Similar to Benching?
Because benching is still a relatively new term, there isn’t a huge library of research into it yet. One of the easiest ways to make sense of it is to compare it to behaviors that have been recognized for longer, with breadcrumbing being one of the most similar.
At first glance, benching and breadcrumbing can seem almost identical. Both involve mixed signals and just enough interaction to keep you around. But there’s a subtle difference in intention.
- Breadcrumbing keeps someone engaged without any genuine plan for the connection to develop. Small gestures are scattered here and there, enough to hold interest but never enough to lead to something real.
- Benching, however, has a more deliberate purpose. You’re not the main priority, yet you’re never fully let go. Instead, you remain on the sidelines, positioned to step in if things don’t work out with another person. This isn’t a continuous trail of crumbs; it’s more like being held in reserve.
It’s easy to spot signs of benching when you know what to look for, but in a world where dating options are endless, the signs can be surprisingly hard to pin down. So, what does benching actually look like in practice?
What Are the Signs of Benching in a Relationship?
While no two situations are identical, there are a few patterns that can show up when someone is keeping you on the sidelines. They’re not always obvious, especially in the early stages, but once you know what to watch for, they become easier to spot. These signs include the following.
Plans That Never Quite Happen
You might get invited to hang out sometime or be told “We should do something next week,” but the plan never gets set in stone. When you try to lock in a date, there’s suddenly a reason they can’t make it…yet they’ll still make the same vague suggestion later in time. It’s a loop that feels promising but never moves forward.
There’s Just Enough Attention to Keep You Interested
They may send a quick “How’s your day?” text or react to your Instagram story, but disappear before the conversation goes anywhere meaningful. It’s enough to remind you they’re still around, but not enough to build anything. Think of it as tapping you on the shoulder now and then, just so you don’t forget they exist.
Things Are Always On Their Terms
You might notice that plans only happen when their schedule suddenly frees up, like if another friend cancels or their weekend plans fall through. You’re available when convenient, not because they’ve carved out time specifically for you. This can leave you feeling like you’re always waiting for an opening rather than being actively chosen.
Acting Warm One Day, Cold the Next
Sometimes they’re chatty, funny, and fully engaged with you. Other times, they’re distant and hard to get hold of. This hot-and-cold rhythm can make you wonder what changed, but often it’s just a reflection of how much they need your attention in that moment.
There’s Little to No Effort in Getting to Know You
Conversations might stay surface level, with no real interest in you as a person. They might remember enough details about you to keep things friendly, but they’re not investing in a deeper connection. This is usually because, in their mind, there’s no need if you’re not their first choice.
Why Do Teens Bench?
Teens can, and do, bench in relationships, and it’s not limited by gender or personality type. However, the reasons could have less to do with “playing games” and more to do with the environment they’re growing up in and how they’ve learned to connect with others.
Let’s explore these two potential reasons why teens bench:
Culture Could Explain Benching Behaviors
In a lot of Western countries, dating isn’t about finding “the one” straight away. Sometimes it’s seen as completely normal, even encouraged, to meet and date different people until you find the right one for you. You’ve probably heard the saying “There’s plenty more fish in the sea,” and this pretty much sums the attitude up perfectly.
In fact, studies have found that men and women from Euro-American backgrounds are generally more open to casual sex than people from other cultural groups.1 In basic terms, this often translates to being more comfortable having multiple partners before settling down. When this is the norm, it’s easier for dating to become a process of “trying people out” and keeping options open. This is exactly where benching behaviors can slip in.
Attachment Theory and Benching Behaviors
Attachment theory, which explores how our connections with others are shaped by the bonds we form early in life, can also play a role in why some teens bench. The following information breaks down why this theory could be related to benching behaviors.
- Those with a more avoidant attachment style might keep someone at a distance to avoid getting hurt. This can be part of what’s known as “deactivating strategies,” where they not only create emotional space in the relationship but also distract themselves from upsetting situations or attachment-related feelings.2
- Although less likely, there’s also the possibility that those with an anxious attachment style might hold onto several connections at once because they’re scared of ending up alone.3 This is what’s known as a fear of abandonment.
In both cases, benching becomes a way to protect themselves, whether it’s by keeping control or keeping comfort. For teens still figuring out who they are and what they want from a relationship, this can sometimes feel safer than going all in with one person.
While this information focuses on why the behavior happens, what could happen to the ones who are on the receiving end? The next section takes a closer look at this.
How Does Benching Affect Teen Emotions?
Being benched can leave you feeling stuck in the middle; you’re not officially rejected, but never truly chosen either. This in-between space can start to shape how you see yourself and what you think you deserve in a relationship.
Below are some issues that could arise from experiencing benching:
Issues With Self-Confidence
One of the first things benching could chip away at is your self-confidence. When someone’s interest flickers on and off, you might start wondering what you’re doing wrong. If you’re still building self-esteem, these doubts can stick around longer than you’d like.
Emotional Highs and Lows
There’s also the constant emotional highs and lows that come with getting just enough attention to keep you hooked. A sudden text or “like” on social media may give you a rush, but when it’s followed by days of silence, this high quickly drops. Before you know it, you’re checking your phone more than you’d like, waiting for the next spark.
Issues With Trust
Benching can also make it harder to trust the next person you date. Once you’ve been left on the sidelines before, it’s easy to start looking for the same signs in every new relationship, even if the new person isn’t treating you the same way.
The tricky thing is, you might not notice the overall effect of being on the receiving end of benching straight away. This could be because dating culture makes benching seem like “just how it is.” It can be easy to overlook the impact it’s having on you until it’s already influencing your choices.
How Can I Rebuild Trust After Experiencing Benching?
If you’ve been benched or experienced any other kind of dating manipulation, it’s normal to feel cautious about opening up again. Trust doesn’t just bounce back overnight, especially when you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want from a relationship.
Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and a few intentional steps.
If you’re a parent reading along, the following ideas can be a helpful starting point to talk through and explore together with your teen.
Give Yourself Time Before Dating Again
It can be tempting to jump straight into another relationship to prove you’ve moved on, but giving yourself some breathing room is one of the most important things you can do. Use this time to focus on things that make you feel confident and grounded. This could be spending time with friends who value you or setting personal goals – anything that helps remind you of your worth outside of a relationship.
Be Honest With Yourself About What Happened
It’s easy to downplay manipulation, especially if you liked the person or wanted the connection to work. Take a step back and look at the situation for what it was. Ask yourself: Did I feel secure most of the time? Or, Were my needs respected?
Answering honestly could help you spot red flags earlier in the future and protect yourself from similar situations.
Focus on Actions, Not Only Words
When you start dating again, pay attention to whether a person’s actions match what they say. Consistency is one of the strongest indicators that someone can be trusted. If their effort lines up with their promises, you’ll feel more confident in taking the next step.
Rebuilding trust after dating manipulation is a gradual process, and there’s no set timeline for when you’ll feel ready to date again. If it feels too difficult to rebuild that trust, or you notice other “off” feelings, perhaps constant anxiety or avoiding people altogether, it’s worth reaching out for a helping hand.
Mission Prep: Supporting the Mental Health Effects of Being Benched
If benching or any other dating manipulation has left you feeling anxious or unsure about your place in a relationship, you’re not alone. Also, if you’re a parent reading this, know there’s support available to help your teen rebuild trust and feel secure again.
At Mission Prep, we focus on healthy boundaries in teen relationships so young people can protect their well-being without shutting themselves off from connection. We also teach emotional resilience strategies for teens to make it easier to recover from the ups and downs of dating.
For those who may benefit from a change of scenery, our inpatient treatment for relational anxiety offers time and space away from daily pressures to focus fully on recovery. Our therapists incorporate CBT for anxiety linked to relationships to help replace unhelpful thoughts with healthier perspectives, alongside communication skills that make it easier to express needs and set boundaries.
No matter how heavy you feel right now, trust can be rebuilt, and we can support you in doing so. Contact us today to learn more about how we can support teen mental health.
References
- Ahrold, T. K., & Meston, C. M. (2008). Ethnic Differences in Sexual Attitudes of U.S. College Students: Gender, Acculturation, and Religiosity Factors. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(1), 190–202. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-008-9406-1
- Egozi, S., Talia, A., Wiseman, H., & Orya Tishby. (2023). The experience of closeness and distance in the therapeutic relationship of patients with different attachment classifications: an exploration of prototypical cases. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1029783
- Montijo, S., & Silva, S. (2021, October 29). Relationships: Can You Go From Insecure to Secure Attachment Style? Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-insecure-attachment-style
