Why Hard Conversations Feel Impossible Right Now and What Teens Are Losing Because of It

Teens today seem to be able to talk for hours online, but may find it challenging to tell someone face-to-face when they feel hurt, anxious, embarrassed, or overwhelmed. Yet having these difficult conversations is essential for their well-being.

Hard conversations often involve discussing mistakes, boundaries, conflicting opinions, difficult emotions, or mental health worries. While avoiding uncomfortable conversations may offer temporary relief, over time, it can affect a teen’s confidence, relationships, and emotional well-being. 

In this blog, we explore why hard conversations with teens feel so difficult right now, what adolescents may lose by avoiding them, and how parents can help teens open up. 

Why Hard Conversations With Teens Feel Harder Than Ever 

As a parent, you may feel like it’s becoming harder to talk with your teen than it was when they were younger. One reason for this is that adolescence is a time of change and development. This means teenagers crave increasing independence and often want to spend more time with their friends than with their parents. 

However, communication problems with teens may have deeper roots than simply “being a teenager.” There are several reasons why teens avoid hard conversations, which include:

• Fear of judgment: Teens may worry about what others will think of them if they talk about something sensitive or embarrassing.

• Fear of conflict: Some adolescents might be concerned that speaking up about an issue could cause extra stress or conflict at home.

• Shame or stigma: Shame, stigma, and a lack of knowledge about mental health are some of the biggest barriers preventing teens from talking to others about their well-being.

• Social pressure: Teenagers may feel like there is an unwritten rule that talking about their problems or seeking help is a “sign of weakness.” This can be especially hard for teens who are trying to assert their independence.

• Perfectionism: Teenagers with perfectionistic tendencies may worry that admitting something is wrong might be seen as a “failure,” and so they avoid speaking up.

On top of this, teens are spending an increasing amount of time talking online with their friends rather than sitting down and talking about the “real” issues in person. And even if they want to sit down and discuss something important, it’s likely that constant phone notifications could interrupt the flow of conversation, making it more difficult to begin. 

Together, these fears, pressures, and distractions can make having hard conversations feel impossible. However, one big reason for the lack of these discussions is avoidance, which we dive into next. 

Rise of Teen Emotional Avoidance 

Emotional avoidance refers to avoiding distressing thoughts or feelings. For instance, adolescents might use their phones as a distraction, withdraw from specific people or activities, or steer clear of certain conversation topics in the hope that they can avoid uncomfortable feelings. Plus, they might do so either consciously or subconsciously. 

But what could be driving this type of avoidance in the first place? The following sections take a look at four key contributing factors. 

1. Adolescent Development

Emotional regulation skills are still developing during adolescence.^[1] As a result, teens can experience intense emotions without knowing how to manage them, and so instead they may try to suppress them. In these cases, avoidance of conversations that risk bringing those feelings to the surface may be a form of self-protection. 

2. Stress

Academic pressure, social comparison, and other stressors can all contribute to feelings of anxiety or shame. When these emotions are triggered, many people’s natural reaction is to try to escape those uncomfortable feelings. While this may reduce anxiety temporarily, it doesn’t help teens learn how to handle stress, anxiety, or embarrassment in healthy ways.  

3. Conflict Avoidance

Teen conflict avoidance can also be a factor. For instance, some teenagers may withdraw from difficult conversations to avoid feeling judged, anxious, or uncomfortable. However, in doing so, conflict avoidance can contribute to resentment, isolation, and mental health difficulties over time.^[2][3]

4. Modern Technology

Technology and habit may also play a role in avoidance. For example, going on social media offers constant distraction and a temporary escape from uncomfortable emotions.^[4] Yet long-term, it may result in teens feeling lonelier and avoidance becoming an automatic coping strategy. 

While emotional avoidance may temporarily offer some relief from distressing thoughts or feelings, it also means that the hard conversations don’t happen, and teens can miss out on crucial developmental opportunities. 

What Teens May Lose When Difficult Conversations Never Happen 

Having hard conversations with teens may feel challenging, but there are greater risks from not having these talks at all. Some of these risks relate to key areas of teenage development, including the following.

Emotional Growth

Difficult conversations and emotional growth go hand in hand. In fact, it’s usually having the hard conversations that allow teens to grow the most. Talking about difficult topics can help teens build: 

• Self-awareness.
• Accountability.
• Confidence in handling conflict. 

They also learn how to safely express and share their thoughts and feelings rather than carrying the weight of them alone. 

Building Stronger Relationships

Strong relationships are built through honesty and trust. So, when a teen is able to discuss difficult subjects with care, honesty, and respect, it strengthens their connection with the other person and helps build trust. 

Developing Resilience

Emotional resilience in teens develops through experiences with others. For example, taking part in difficult conversations can help them learn how to regulate emotions while still participating in constructive discussions. 

With practice, teens can feel more confident in handling conflict, managing their emotions, and coping with hard conversations moving forward. 

With this in mind, let’s look at some other reasons that emotional communication with teenagers matters, specifically when it comes to mental health. 

Why Communication Matters for Teen Mental Health 

Helping teens talk about feelings is essential for their mental health because:^[5]

• Less than 60% of U.S. adolescents get the social and emotional support they need.
• Almost two in five teens say they aren’t getting the support they need.
• More than 90% of parents believe their child gets enough emotional and social support.

As you may gather, while many parents may believe their child gets enough support, many teens would disagree. And it’s through having these difficult conversations that opportunities for support can be created. 

Additionally, family communication and teen mental health are closely linked because having the hard conversations with teens supports their emotional regulation and well-being. Research tells us that avoiding difficult conversations can lead to:^[6] 

• Higher stress levels.
• Suppressed emotions.
• Deteriorating relationships.

In contrast, the mental health benefits of having hard conversations include:^[6][7][8][9]

• Reduced stress and anxiety.
• Strengthened emotional intelligence.
• Less built-up resentment.
• The development of coping skills.
• Increased feelings of connection.

When teens feel like they can’t talk about their concerns, problems can often feel bigger and more overwhelming. On the other hand, opening up and discussing issues may help teenagers access support sooner. This is why talking to teens about anxiety and mental health is so important. 

The next section contains some suggestions on how parents can make steps toward having the hard conversations with teens in ways that feel safe and manageable. 

How Parents Can Create Safety in Conversations 

Learning how to talk to teenagers about mental health tends to involve building trust over time. While no magic phrase will instantly open up discussions with your teen, the following parenting communication strategies may help you approach hard conversations with teens with more ease.

• Choose the right moment: Choose a time and a place where there won’t be a need to rush off somewhere straight afterwards, and where you have the privacy to share freely in a relaxed way. 
• Listen rather than fix: Teens may simply want to feel heard and understood. So they might not want you to jump in right away to try to solve their problems for them. 
• Validate emotions: Let your teen know that their feelings are valid and real, even if you don’t fully understand them. 
• Ask open questions: Asking questions that require more than a simple yes/no answer can help keep the conversation flowing.
• Stay calm: Reacting negatively to something they tell you may make them feel less safe confiding in you in the future. It also decreases the chance that they’ll feel judged or shamed. 

While difficult conversations may feel uncomfortable at the time, by leaning into vulnerability and talking honestly and openly, adolescents can: 

• Gain a deeper understanding of themselves.
• Build stronger connections.
• Find lasting support. 

Find Support for Your Teen’s Mental Health Challenges