Causes of and Support for Over Apologizing in Teens
Whereas a genuine apology comes when someone wants to take accountability for their part in any wrongdoing, over apologizing teens are often not at fault. But why might a teenager apologize when they haven’t done anything wrong?
Overapologizing can sometimes reveal something deeper lurking under the surface. For instance, it can be linked to mental health issues like anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies, and even certain personality disorders.1,2 So if your teen consistently says sorry without wrongdoing, it may be worth paying attention.
If you’re concerned about your teen’s mental health and well-being, a mental health professional can provide insight and guidance. This page can also help you better understand over apologizing teens by exploring:
What apologies are and why people make them- What over-apologizing is
- The causes of over-apologizing in teens
- The impact of constantly apologizing
- Treatment and support for over apologizing teens
- Where to find professional support
What Is an Apology?
When someone does something that negatively affects another person, they typically apologize for their actions. This is a great way to mend the bridge and get their relationship with the other person back on track.
However, to make a full apology, the expression should meet four main points. You want to understand and acknowledge the offense and be able to articulate what happened. You should also feel remorse and try to make it right in some way. Let’s break it down a bit further.
- For example, “I realize that I yelled and said horrible things. That wasn’t right for me to do.”
2. Explain what happened and why you reacted in such a way without excusing your actions.
- For example, “I had a horrible day and was almost in an accident, so I was feeling emotional. However, it’s no excuse for my behavior.”
3. Be remorseful for your part in the negative interaction. If you are not to the point of feeling remorse, then examine the situation further before apologizing.
- For example, “I am sorry.” or “I apologize.”
4. Offer to resolve the issue, make amends, repay, or otherwise fix the issue between you and the other person.
- For example, saying “I’m sorry” without any action or change in behavior is only words.3,4
In short, an apology is recognition of what you’ve done, taking responsibility for it, expressing remorse, vowing to make a change, and understanding that this change needs to be actioned.
So how can an apology be a bad thing? In the next section, we will talk about how some adolescents can go from learning to apologize to having guilt issues. We also explore how this can be damaging to their character and relationships.
What Is Over-Apologizing in Teens?
Sometimes, teens internalize the feelings and frustrations of the adults in their lives by observing how they handle them. So if an adult blames a child for negative outcomes, when that child gets to their teenage years, they may blame themselves for many other negative outcomes. In other words, overapologizing is often a learned behavior.5
Further, when there are emotional difficulties between a child and their parent or another adult in their life, this may prime them to over-apologize as a teen. Over time, after being repeatedly blamed by others, it becomes easier to accept the fault of bad outcomes rather than try to push back against it.
The Psychology Behind Over-Apologizing
One way to understand over apologizing teens is to consider this instinct as a survival technique. Fear is a top motivator in humans and all other animals to take action, to protect ourselves or others, and more. We tend to respond to fear in four ways: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Sometimes we may even respond with a combination of these, given the right circumstances.
Highlighting the “fawn” aspect of the fear chart, this is where you’ll find over-apologizing. Fawning means to avoid conflict or any negative evaluation by any means of charm necessary. It is also sometimes referred to as “friend” in the 4 F’s of fear. In other words, someone may over-apologize in an attempt to appeal to the other person and reduce the perceived threat.1,2
What Causes Over-Apologizing?
Trauma & Violence
When someone experiences trauma or violence of any kind, they may begin to fear conflict. Plus, in many situations, a teen may have been told they were to blame for what was happening or that any pain they experience was somehow their fault. When the teen cannot get to a safe space or person right away to assure them otherwise, they may learn to cope with the situation they’re in. Unfortunately, once a teen has learned to apologize as a survival mechanism, it becomes difficult to change.
Previous Relationships
After experiencing violence, trauma, or abuse within a relationship, a teen might feel they are responsible for ensuring their environment is calm and safe.2 Further, if they learn that certain people they trust are “unsafe” or dangerous, they may apologize to minimize the impact. Therefore, over-apologizing may become part of their regular communication patterns with others outside of this dynamic. Additionally, these types of dynamics may lead to the guilt issues adolescents experience that can contribute to frequent apologizing.
Gender Roles
Over-apologizing is more common in females. Often, society sets these expectations, but then sends mixed signals about what these messages mean. For example, a girl should be confident but not full of herself. She should be smart, but not act like she knows everything. In other words, it can seem that no matter the choice, you’re going to disappoint someone, and this can cause anxiety in social situations.7
Furthermore, young girls are also often encouraged by the adults in their lives to be more empathetic and considerate to others. Sometimes even to their own detriment – putting others’ feelings before their own comfort or safety.7
What Is the Impact of Constantly Apologizing?
Low self-worth- Depression
- Social anxiety
- Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD)
If you’re concerned that your teenager may be over-apologizing due to a mental health condition, it’s important to seek professional advice and support as soon as possible. Mental health conditions do not tend to improve without treatment, and can even worsen as they persist. Further, a teen displaying people-pleasing tendencies could be dealing with anxiety, which, over time, can develop into depression and other issues.
Support & Treatment Options for Over-Appologizing Teens
If you notice your teen over-apologizing, such as when they’ve done nothing wrong or for someone else’s actions, it’s important to discuss their options with them. You can help target the lack of self worth teens experience by considering treatment approaches such as the following.
Therapy Support for Insecure Teens
Talk therapy is typically the starting point in nearly any mental health healing journey. It can help anxious, over apologizing teens by helping them to understand their triggers, develop the ability to pause and reflect before answering, and even learn how to be more assertive. In other words, through therapy, they can learn or unlearn communication and life skills that will improve their confidence and relationships.For instance, in one first-line therapy option, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), some of the skills a therapist may aim to develop in sessions include:1,8
Increasing self-awareness- Identifying triggers
- Reframing thoughts and patterns
- Developing assertiveness
- Learning coping skills for confidence
- Seeking or receiving feedback
In addition to CBT for social anxiety in teens, a therapist may link a teen with support groups. These groups can provide teens with a safe place where they can talk about their experiences with peers and work towards becoming more confident young people.
Lifestyle Support for Insecure Teens
Since over-apologizing often comes from fear and anxious thoughts, certain everyday skills can be used to manage symptoms. These can be great accompaniments to therapeutic approaches.
For example, mindfulness strategies like grounding can be used to help a teen break an anxious cycle when they are feeling overwhelmed. Additionally, practicing gratitude can boost the self compassion teens often need.
We cover a few simple techniques below.
- Grounding Techniques:
- The 333 Rule: Name three things you can see, three sounds you can hear, and move three parts of your body to help the mind and body settle.
- The 54321 Rule: Similar to the 333 Rule, this asks that you notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.9
Additionally, gratitude in place of a reflexive apology can be a way to shift an adolescent’s ways of thinking and feeling about themselves and allow for self-compassion. If you’re a parent of or a teen who overapologizes, try encouraging the following gratitude practices.
Gratitude Techniques:
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- Find ways to rephrase apologies with gratitude. For example, try saying, “Thank you for your patience” instead of “Sorry, I’m late.”
- Think of a time someone has helped you or you have helped someone else. Appreciation being passed back and forth through you can create positive emotions and reduce stress.10
Mission Prep: Youth Mental Health Treatment & Support for Insecure Teens
If you have a teen who has been apologizing to the point of overdoing it, consider reaching out to a professional for a consultation. Anxiety, depression, lack of self-worth, and people-pleasing behaviors in teens are very treatable. Therefore, if a teen is displaying the warning signs of a mental health condition, early intervention can make a genuine difference in their well-being.
At Mission Prep, we understand the value of support for insecure teens and how to approach the topic of mental health with care and consideration for each individual. Whether your teen has experienced trauma or is just trying to find their voice in a sea of other teenagers, we have the tools you need to get them feeling happy and confident again. Contact us today to learn more about what we can offer and how we can help your teen.
References
- Lisw-S, J. H. (2024, March 19). Apologizing to reduce anxiety is very common. Learn how to spot it and stop it. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-worrying-start-living/202403/are-you-an-over-apologizer-5-steps-to-curb-the-habit
- Matejko, S. (2022, November 7). Why You Over-Apologize and How to Stop. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-you-cant-stop-apologizing-even-when-youre-clearly-not-at-fault#reasons-for-over-apologizing
- Winch, G. (2013, November 21). Most apologies don’t work — so here’s how to fix them. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201311/the-five-ingredients-effective-apology
- Corliss, J. (2023, December 21). The art of a heartfelt apology. Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
- Lobel, D. S. (2024, September 28). Frequent inappropriate apologizing can result from childhood trauma. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-side-of-the-couch/202409/frequent-apology-as-a-symptom-of-childhood-parental-trauma
- Millacci, T. S. (2025, November 3). 7 Trauma response types & how to recognize them. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/trauma-response/
- Child Mind Institute. (n.d.). Why girls apologize too much. https://childmind.org/article/why-girls-apologize-too-much/
- Healthdirect Australia. (n.d.). Anxiety in teenagers. Symptoms, Treatment and Support | Healthdirect. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/anxiety-in-teenagers
- University of Rochester Medical Center. (2018, April). 5-4-3-2-1 coping technique for anxiety. Behavioral Health Partners Blog. https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety
- Millacci, T. S.. (2025, October 11). What Is Gratitude and Why Is It So Important? PositivePsychology. https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-appreciation/
